Write Well Me

My Adventures in Hoarding

Wednesday, 8:30am eastern.  I get a phone call from my significant other, Mark, who lives in California.  (In case you don't do that math, that would be 5:30am pacific. And in case you don't know Mark, he is NOT a morning person.)

"I have a plan," he exclaimed.  (Not a hint of a sleepy voice.)

"Uh, you've been up for a while, haven't you?" I ask.

"Yep! And here's the plan.  You fly out on Friday for a week and help me get this situation under control. With you spearheading it, we'll make progress and fend off the dogs. I'll pay for your plane ticket, a dumpster, and a storage unit."

(I'm pretty thrilled that I got top billing out of the three.)

See, his landlord and long-time friend is a hoarder.  Not a hoarder like you might say you and I are.  I kept all my college notes for 20 years before I downsized to an apartment about a 1/3 the size of my big-ass house.  That so doesn't compare to this.

His landlord, whom we'll call N, had been this way for all of his life, and his house, which is pretty sizeable, was crammed to the gills with stuff.  Imagine 30-40 years of accumulating everything, from suit coats to drill bit sets to VCRs to plastic grocery bags.  (And a whole lot of stuff in between, a lot of it not pleasant.)  Poor N's health was starting to go downhill, which, after seeing the condition in which he had been living, was not surprising. 

In his efforts to get his health under control, he called just about every doctor and nurse in Carmel, finally reaching someone who decided to call 911.  The fire department and an ambulance came out.  Since the front door couldn't open because of all the stuff, the firemen had to take the front door off the hinges, climb over piles of stuff, debris, rotten food to get to N. 

N had been fending off the local government, who had been trying to get him to clean up his act, literally, for decades.  Now, since he had voluntarily let them into his home, they took pictures and notes of the living conditions.

Verdict: he can't come back into his home until it is no longer a health hazard.

Now, since Mark lives on the property in an attached studio apartment, he could be kicked out of his home if the entire property gets red-tagged.  Hence, the need for a plan.

So, I go out to California thinking that I'll do for the N Project what I do for my clients: create a big-picture plan made up of the individual tasks and then dive in.  Yes and no.  What I realized from the very beginning was that Mark and I could in no way clear out the clutter (and debris and rotten food and dead animals.  Yes, dead animals) in the entire house.

(Stuff piled way above the windows)

But Mark wanted to try, and I knew that he would have to try in order to appease his conscience.

After 96 hours, we made it about 20 feet into the house, probably about a 1/15 of what would need to be done, and that's just in the main house.  That doesn't include the basement, the carport, or the deck.  And then there's the drywall repair (bad mold), carpet and wood floor replaced (deterioration beyond recognition - "That's carpet?"), appliances replaced (no working refrigerator, and we don't know if the stove works), plumbing repaired (no working toilet or sink in either the kitchen or the bathroom). 

(This is before we "cleaned" out the kitchen.)

(This is after we "cleaned" out the kitchen.)

What does that mean?  It means we filled up a large dumpster, took stuff to storage (including 7 brand-new VCRs and 10 new drill bit sets), filled up 10 very large recyclying containers - twice (the paper alone was staggering), dumped the equivalent of two household's food pantries in the garbage, and probably so many other things that I just can't recall.

Oh, and we did all this wearing coveralls and breathing masks because the stench was almost unbearable (and I'm sure dangerous to our health).  I ran out of the house twice, very close to retching.

It was a sobering, unreal, intense, unfathomable experience that will be with me for a long time.

The lost opportunities - what N dreamed about when he bought those things. 

The money spent - just in 20 feet: 7 brand-new VCRs, 10 new drill bit sets (unopened!), the Dean Martin variety show on DVD set (the ENTIRE set, again, unopened).

The need - N felt safe cocooned in his stuff.  What pain was he trying to hide from.

The denial - even now, N doesn't understand why we just didn't put the soiled clothes in a box (just one!) and clean them.  They were unsalvageable.  He also asked us to put newspapers on the carpet to protect it from damage.  1) Already damaged beyond repair, and 2) we couldn't even find the carpet until we removed 96 hours' worth of debris.

The sadness - we found pictures of the house when it was new.  N actually had built it himself, and there are some stunning elements.  When we found the pictures, I burst into tears.  The way it was vs. the way it is now... I can't even find the words to explain.

(Bedroom now)

(The bedroom as new.)

(The living room as new.)

Here's what I learned personally:

• You can't take it with you.
• "But it might come handy - someday" is not a valid enough excuse.
• Buy what you need now, not what you might need someday.
• Your external environment mirrors your internal environment.
• Get rid of stuff that is no longer useful.
• Use it or throw it away or give it away.
• Buy only what you can immediately apply a use for.
• Remember the original vision and dream of what you've created.

 

Thriving in February

(To get up-to-date, Thrive is my theme for 2012, and Teen Child created a 2012 calendar to honor and inspire that theme. This is February.)

According to Teen Child, February's subtheme is Universe (I had originally had 10 areas in which I wanted to thrive, so TC had to come up with two additional areas.  Universe is one of those two that SHE thought up.  Brilliant, she is.)

Universe: "Every single person, place, and thing contributes something unique to the universe.  YOU happen to contribute many.  The universe is grateful for your overwhelming warmth and fuzziness, your undying ability to empathize, and your never-ending stream of love and creativity."

Gotta love the "fuzziness."  :)

Whirlwind - A Poem

A whirlwind.
Never stopping.
Never slowing.
Sucking you up into the maelstrom.
Spinning you around.
Spitting you out...
If you're lucky.
The head aches.
The mind tumbles.
The heart hides.
The whirlwind is inside...
Sucking, spinning, spitting.
You try to grab it.
To stop it.
To hold it.
To contain it.

Emptiness

Hollow.
Empty.
A hole waiting to be filled.
My soul cries out.
In pain.
In need.
In loneliness.
Desolate.
Desert.
Despair.
The only hope is to forget.
To go forward.
To hope.

Attention Scammers: You'll be more successful if you're more authentic

It's a cold, late December night, probably in the 20s. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.  "No one ever knocks on my door at 8:30 at night," I say.

We open the door, and it's teenage girl with several piercings, holding a laminated piece of paper, shivering and basically looking pathetic.

"Hi, I've entered in this communications challenge where I have to knock on 100 doors.  It's to help get rid of speaking-in-public phobia."

"You have a phobia of speaking in public?"

"No, it's just part of my marketing communications class.  See, I'm trying to raise money for a scholarship."

Because it's so freaking cold, I invite her in (which, by the way, I wouldn't have if Mark weren't here with me).

And she hands me the laminated piece of paper that has the title "Double Points" on one side and "Triple Points" on the other, along with a list of magazines on each side.  That's it. No sponsoring organization.  Nothing other than the title and the magazine list.

"Oh, so you're selling magazines?"

"Well, not really. See, you don't have to buy anything."

"Isn't this a magazine subscription?"

"Well, yes, but you don't have to buy a magazine subscription; you can donate money.  See, it's sponsored by Girl Scouts, but we're too old to sell cookies. So we're selling magazine subscriptions."

Uh-huh.

Her attempt at being funny and approachable.

"Oh, and this goes to my basketball scholarship."

Uh-huh.  (By the way, she REEKS of cigarette smoke.  I almost say, "Wow, it must be really hard to play basketball - and be good enough to get a basketball scholarship - smoking like you do." I resisted.)

"No, thank you," I say, and I lead her to the door.

She starts to cry. "This is my last door. They're picking me up in five minutes. This means I've lost. Now, there's no way I'll get my basketball scholarship."

Uh-huh.

She would have been so much more believable if she had thought through her scam and made it believable.

Problems:

• She changed her story several times.  She should have picked one avenue and stuck with it.
• The data didn't match her story.  No scholarship basketball player is going to smoke cigarettes, enough to reek.  (Interesting subpoint - I was the only one who could tell - from my years of growing up with parents who smoked.  I am extremely sensitive to cigarette smoke and can pick it up even in traffic from other cars.)
• Have better materials.  The laminated magazine list was amateurish.  If you're going to go to the trouble of creating scam materials to begin with, at least do them well.
• Too over the top. The tears at the end? Really?  Give me a break.

So, to all scam artists out there... the more authentic you and your materials are, the better a chance you'll have of pulling off a successful scam.

Thrive

Almost every year I have a theme for the year.  Sometimes, I don't figure it out until the end, but every so often, I actually come up with the theme ahead of time.  What a concept.

This year, beyond being just the Year of Hell, has been a tough one in many different areas.  Changes have abounded all over the place, all of them good (I have to believe that - that I'm stretching more into the person I'm meant to be, and that those changes are necessary for that process to complete).

However, in some cases, 2011 has been a year of struggle.

I don't want that any more, so 2012 will be my Thrive year.

I figured out the Thrive theme in the new Women Balancing Life and Business group of the Gaithersburg-Germantown Chamber of Commerce.  As vice-chair of the group, my committee designed topics for our monthly meetings, and December's topic was creating a theme for 2012.  I figured I would use a good theme like Abundance or Prosperity, but then one of the women recounted an NPR show about how women business owners in Montgomery County, Maryland, aren't just surviving; they're thriving.

That clinched it.  No other word would do.  Abundance and Prosperity seemed limiting in some ways, restricted to areas of finance or business.  I wanted a whole-life theme.

Since I've been playing around with my creative, artistic side (and my new easel), I decided to brainstorm what exactly Thrive meant to me. Here's what I came up with:




Now, here's the clincher.  My older daughter, Teen Child, came into my office one day and asked me what the diagram meant.  I explained each area to her and what it would mean to me to thrive in each area.

I didn't realize there was an ulterior motive.

Come Christmas Day, she gifts me with this amazing 2012 calendar that she made to honor my Thrive theme.  Each month takes on one of the areas from my diagram, plus two more that she came up with by herself (love and Universe - Uh, what 15-year-old has that capacity for complex thought?). She then wrote something for each one, along with images or photos to demonstrate the concept.

Wow.

I could say so much about this: being supported by my daughter, being seen, having a tangible way to consciously work on my theme and my goals, one of the most thoughtful gifts I've every received....

So, here's January....




Leadership - "You are a leader. You lead because people trust you, because YOU are trustworthy. AND remember to take care of yourself."

I love the picture of Big Dawn and the chain of Everyone Else.  Not because I feel bigger than everyone else. I just think Teen Child is clever.  :)

New and Review

Lots of changes.  Tons of changes.  Some of which I've embraced and others where I've had no choice.  And my great belief and faith is that all the change, all the Phoenix Rising moments, are exactly what are needed and wanted.

I'll be - I AM - the better for all the change.

I journaled for the first time today since I've been back in Maryland (there's a perfect coffee shop in downtown Carmel, California, where I wrote four days - unheard of! - and I miss it so much).  After I did my journaling today,as I do once or twice a year, I went back to journals I wrote in the last four years.

Wow. That was quite a perspective.

If I ever needed the movie of my life to show how different things are now compared to a year ago, two years ago, three years ago...

I'm different. And yet somehow more me.

The biggest thing I've realized is that I've spent the last forty years (sigh, it just SOUNDS old) with many of my relationships have been unequal in power, with me usually on the losing side. As I delve more into chakras and archetypes, I was particularly struck by the archetypes of the third chakra: dysfunctional Victim and functional Warrior.

I've consciously spent the last six or so years taking back my power and being more the Warrior.

All the important relationships in my life are there by choice. No victim status here.

Anyway, the point is really how struck I was by how I go back and review journals, and the insight that brings. Do you read back over journal entries you've written?

Another Take on the Idea of Beauty

While I feel strongly about the idea of beauty as inspiration, I by no means cater to the surface beauty messages that are launched at us from every which way.

Thanks to Laura Biering for sharing this video.  It's a powerful statement about beauty and women.  Warning: there is one "bad" word toward the end, and it's powerful.

I Don't Want To Write, and You Can't Make Me!

I don't want to write. Whine. Whine. Whine.

Why don't I want to write? Don't I have plenty to say? (Heck, some people will tell me I don't shut up enough.)

Is it that I'm stuck? No.  I have ideas and projects-in-progress galore.

It's more that I just don't feel like it.

It's that I'm not FEELING it.

I could pick a topic from the list of the things I would write if no one were watching, but I can't seem to tap, tap, tap deeply into what wants to be said. It would feel as if I were just paying lipservice to those topics, instead of letting my soul speak through me.

And sometimes I just don't feel like it.

Part of the problem is I've been very creative this week and even earlier today, so the creative muscle is a little tired.  My MIND wants to play and create, but the next step of putting some of those ideas into succinct and concise sentences just doesn't seem to want to play ball.

Maybe what I'm meant to do now is to dream... let my soul play.... not force whatever *I* think has to come out now.

What Would I Write If No One Were Looking?

I would write about my deep desire to write words that touch people's hearts and souls.

I would write about sex.

I would write about pain.

I would write about fear - and oh the places we could go.

I would write about how fucking scared I am that what I write actually sucks.

I would write so that my words sing.

I would write about my deep, soul-wrenching sadness that both my grandparents are gone.

I would write about the hopes and dreams I dare not share in daylight.

I would write about love.

I would write about choices and vodka.

I would write about daddies and little girls.

I would write about how hard it is to be a mother, especially a good mother.

I would write about intensity, and I would write WITH intensity.

I would write.

Things That Make Me Crazy Happy

I love beauty, not the superficial kind, but true beauty in things that takes your breath away.  Beauty that makes me glad I'm in the world.  Beauty in everyday life that allows me to see the big picture, to know there's more than my to-do list, to truly appreciate life.

Here are a few of the things that, pretty much on a daily basis, bring me joy when I look at them.

 

I received the 30-minute glass from a friend, and without knowing what I was doing, I rearranged things on my desk and created this mini altar - and a reminder to take time out (no pun intended) and to appreciate the good things in my life.

I recently found the pictures of the girls from when they were young, and I immediately ran out and found a frame that would work.  I love the beautiful, smooth faces and the looks of joy or mischeviousness (especially on Small Child on the bottom left picture).  I could look at these pictures all day.

We went to Shenandoah National Park a week and a half ago, and I took this amazing picture of the mountains.  I added it as my computer desktop wallpaper, and just looking at this picture brings me the same sense of peace and at-one-ness I have when I'm in the mountains. I frequently minimize everything on my desktop so that I can look at this picture.  (And, in case you're wondering, I do occasionally get work done in between staring at these pictures.)

I did some long-range planning with my client, and everything went up on these big month calendars.  I love the reminder of systems, processes, planning, good business sense, and creativity.  And sticky notes!!

I received this skin from a friend as a Christmas present.  She thought I might custom design my own with words or whatever might inspire me in a writerly way.  However, as soon as I saw this standard design, I didn't want to look at anything else.  Even seven months later, this design and combination of colors bring me joy.

When I was still in my old life and planning my new one, I imagined an artificial tree with white lights.  I finally realized I didn't have to wait until I moved, so I bought the $17 tree at Michael's and added an old string of Christmas lights.  This tree is on every day, even on bright sunny days, and it literally and figuratively lights up the dark corners.

This is my favorite piece of artwork I own.  There's something about Flaming June... her napping, the vibrant colors, a sense of not-caring.... This was the first thing to be put up in my apartment, and it hasn't moved since.

I've been having fun experimenting with cocktails with my significant other.  Even more, has been looking for (and sometimes finding) beautiful glassware.  It's amazing what you can find at thrift shops, and the gleaming glass makes me happy.  By the way, if you have a line on old-fashioned, small martini glasses, please let me know.  I don't like the huge ones; I like the classic style (and they are nowhere to be found!).

And then when the sun shines on them....

I don't like a lot of clutter, so anything on a surface has an absolute purpose to be there.  I love the combination of the crystal, the Cinderella box, and the Faberge-like egg (I can dream).

My decorating style in some cases is heavy baroque (or, as I like to call it - Early French Whorehouse).  This lamp is perfect with its little crystal danglies and the fabric shade.

I have these pictures across from my bed, and they're a constant reminder that I get to design my life the way I want.  And the color of the walls, a deep, rich copper, reminds me that I can have my life be as rich and vibrant as I can allow.

Reframing Endurance

Often, I pull a card from Sacred Journey deck.  I love these cards.  They're round, which immediately makes them different. They use symbols instead of pictures, and I love the idea of symbols.  And then there are the words. One main word for each card along with a phrase to give more information.

I frequently pull the "endurance" card. Sigh. Sometimes it feels inevitable.... that I'll pick "endurance" or "perseverance."  I wonder how much of those two elements are part of this life's story.  Endurance feels hard, that inevitability. 

Since I seem to pull this card frequently, I figured I needed to reframe it.  I seem to think that endurance is bad.  It's more than that, though.  It's more about what must be going on that I have to ENDURE?  Endurance doesn't say joy to me.  It has a hint of despair, of resignation.  Maybe that's where I need to reframe.

I'm not enduring because I'm resigned to a certain path or course of action.  I've chosen a particular path, and to see that path to its full end requires some endurance. 

If I think of runnig, endurance is a good thing.  It allows me to run farther and longer.  It means I'm strong.

So, endurance allows me to choose a path and know I can see it to the end.

Endurance = Strength = Conviction = Choice.

Why Don't We Want To Be Seen?

I'm working on my newest story, "Phoenix Rising," and in it, the main character Phoenix's main problem (the story-worthy problem for you writer types) is that the world doesn't see  her - she doesn't feel seen.  Of course, the real problem is that she doesn't see herself - and doesn't want to.

It's hard for any of us to truly look at ourselves, at who we really are.  What are we afraid of seeig? That we aren't perfect? That we can (and do) cause others pain? That we're flawed? That we sometimes - knowingly - make the wrong decision? But we all deal with that.

What I'm trying to figure out is what is it about Phoenix, her life, her situation that is different from what we regular folks have to deal with?

Yes, this is my story, and I have to figure it out, AND I think this is a question we all deal with.  (And a little input from y'all will help me figure out just what's going on with Phoenix.)

So, the question is.... what could it be about herself that she doesn't want to see?

(Thank you for playing "Le'ts help Dawn create more and more pages of notes.") :)

Scavenger Hunt #2

I don't give my girls their newest scavenger hunt until right before showtime.  Otherwise, I get criticism and negotiation.  :)  This way, I give them the scavenger hunt, and they go off and do it.  (With excitement, I might add, although they might deny.)

The teacher in me was going to do a very educational scavenger hunt, but since Teen Child is taking a very rigorous online health class, I thought it might be a bit unfair to add onto her four-to-five-hours-a-day workload already.  So, I went a little light.  :)

Flowers and Trees Scavenger Hunt

1.  Find 9 unique types of flowers (different colors of one flower do not count).
2.  Take a picture of each kind of flower.
3.  Find out, using whatever resources are available to you (Internet, library, librarians), the common name of each kind of flower (tulip, pansy, etc.)
4.  Find 6 unique types of trees. 
5.  Collect leaves from each type of tree.  (That's how you will know each kind of tree is different from the other - the leaves will be different.)
6.  Find out, using whatever resources are available to you (Internet, library, librarians), the common name of each kind of tree (oak, cherry, etc.)

Prize system

For each flower and tree documented and identified, each person receives $.50 credit to be used at Michael's or Staples.

I even created a Word document for them to record their findings. (If you want it, comment or email me, and I'll send it.)

(The idea is to keep them busy, you see.)

 

Searching for a Life to Give One's Self Completely To

A few weeks ago I watched a 60 Minutes special on this order of monks in Europe (I think - it's been several weeks).  One monk talked about devoting his life to the service of God.  He said, "People are searching for a life they can give themselves completely to."

That hit me on such a profound level.  I know for me this is true, although it manifests itself much differently.  I've found that there are certain dynamics that I've been searching for (and didn't know it) all my life.  And now that I've found how I fit in to these relationship dynamics with my life partner and true love, I do feel as if this is a life that I've given myself completely to.  I didn't know I was searching for it, at least not actively.  I knew I wasn't happy in my previous marriage.  I knew I was missing something, but I couldn't have ever named that, and at one point I didn't even know the hole was there.

But once the hole got filled up, fixed, healed, completed, I knew this was the life I was meant for.

Switching gears from personal to business, what about searching for a business life that I can give myself completely to?  I want my work to be meaningful, to have impact, to make a difference. Am I going to give myself completely to my work? No. Then I'd be a workaholic, and no one wants that.  I guess it's that, within limits, finding my core passion and purpose and business that I can devote my business life to.

So, how does this land for you? Are you searching for a life you can give yourself completely to? What does that look like? Have you found it? What does "completely" look like?

What I Know for Sure About Writing

1. It's a need I have
2. I write much more than I think I do
3. It's a way for me to share my gifts with the world
4. It's a way for me to help, nurture, care for people
5. Anyone can write
6. There are few rules about writing, and the rules that ARE there can be broken - if you know why you're breaking them
7. All writers can improve their craft
8. Sometimes the writing process doesn't look like what we think it should look like
9. Eventually, you do have to actually get words down on paper or on screen
10. Words have power

Expansion and Possibilities

The word that's been coming to me for the past several weeks has been "expansion." What does that mean to me? Possibilities, of course.  That something could be out there that I can't see or touch, so I have to expand my reach and my vision to touch and see it.  To become bigger. Step into my big self. ee myself as greater, bigger.

What can I do? What can I accomplish It feels as if the possibilities are limitless, expansive if you will.

And then there's this idea of focus and being in alignment with all sorts of things (my purpose, my authentic being, my voice, my dreams).  What does that look like in the real world? On a daily basis?

• Having quiet time
• Being centered and grounded
• Listening to the messages that are there
• Not getting caught up in frantic mode
• Taking time for myself EVERY day
• Doing those things that bring me joy
• Being creative - what if I had Creative Play Time every day?
• Writing
• BEing
• Whatever I do, being in the moment and being intentional

I took my colored Sharpies, noted these on beautiful cards, and posted them all over the house. There's one by my bedside table, one on my bathroom mirror, and one in my office.  They're lovely daily reminders to just BE and to expand into whoever I'm becoming.

Surviving Summer - Scavenger Hunt

The girls are home from school, and my goal is to give them a good summer this year.  Last year was definitely not the bomb for them.  Their father and I had finally sold our house and moved into our separate residences, to my relief but to my children's challenge. 

I want this summer to be different. They switch every week from my house to his.  He works out of the house full time; I work from my home office.  Which means I'm available - sort of.  We have camps, babysitting, vacations planned, but not every day is planned.  Being the organizational and somewhat anal wonder that I am, I came up with a plan:

• Pool each day that we can manage it (I really don't like the pool, but I'm learning to find the good in it)
• Projects (file CDs, clean out the writing desk, clean out school folders).  Luckily, my children are almost as anal as I so they actually enjoy this.
• Day trips - to DC, Potomac C&O canal, Sugarloaf where we can hang and do neat stuff, usually for pretty close to free
• And the big one... weekly scavenger hunts.

I created a scavenger hunt for them last summer based on Laura West's similar attempt to find something for her boys to do.  I listed 50 or so things, and the girls had to take pictures of each thing.  They got points for certain things - one point for each item, 50 extra points if they were all done in order, that kind of thing.  And then there were prizes based on how many points they got.  The girls still talk about the scavenger hunt, and I decided to create one each week they're here, each with a different theme.

Today is Scavenger Hunt #1, and the theme is ice cream.  :)

In case you're a mom trying to entertain her kids or you just want to have some fun, here is what the Goldberg girls have to do today.

List 20 flavors of ice cream

List at least 7 possible ice cream toppings

Name 3 kinds of white stuff to put on ice cream.

Name 7 desserts that involve ice cream?

How many healthy kinds of toppings can you name?

What is the most unusual topping for ice cream you can think of?

In general, what is the healthiest brand of ice cream?  Why?

Which brand of ice cream states that it has only natural ingredients? What are they?

What brand of ice cream is most expensive?

What brand of ice cream is least expensive?

How many brands of ice cream are there?

What different sizes does ice cream come in?

The prize?  I think it's going to be a half-gallon of ice cream - in any flavor.  Go figure.

When You Say Yes, You Also Say No

I've been wanting to write this post for weeks, but it just hasn't happened yet.  And it's a perfect example of this concept - when I choose to say "yes" to something, then that means I've automatically just said "no" to something else.

Let's say you have two hours to get four things done: A, B, C, D.  Each of those things is going to take 30 minutes each (making it easy here).

Now, let's say that something happens when you're doing A.  The bank manager says, "Well, you can get this done, and it will only take 30 minutes and it's done."

This particular task would be lovely to get off your plate forever (that whole "and it's done" is VERY attractive).  So, you say yes.

Well, you still only have two hours to get stuff done, so by saying "yes" to adding 30 minutes to task A, that means you are saying no to one of the tasks left: B, C, or D.

Makes sense, right?

Well, here's the problem.  We think in a vacuum.  We think we can get it ALL done because we've scheduled these four things, and, by golly, they're going to get done.  (And we don't want to have to say no.)

So either something gets dropped out unconsciously (and somehow we're so surprised when the two hours is up and we haven't gotten to D yet) or we expand past those two hours (which means now we're saying no to whatever was going on after the two hours) or we try to quickly shove it all in, and maybe doing a bad job in the process.

Saying yes isn't a bad thing at all.  It's just that we have to immediately think, "And so what am I saying no to if I say yes?"

For example, in choosing to write this blog post NOW, I've said no to writing some marketing emails.  They'll get done later (which means something else will be said no to).

And one final point.... if you say "no" to something, then you might be saying "yes" to something else that maybe you can't even see right now.

Reorg

When I moved into my apartment almost a year ago, I delighted in the much smaller space.  As weird as that may seem, it's true.  It meant that everything had to meet at least one of three criteria: it had to be useful, it had to be beautiful, or I had to love it.  If it didn't meet any of those three, out it went. 

I donated, sold, gave away the things that wouldn't come with me.  (And to put all in perspective, the old, big-ass house was so big, that Chris and I had enough of almost everything to furnish two smaller residences.  In the big scheme of things, we had to buy very little once we were out on our own.

So, here I am moving into my first apartment.  Everything has a place, and if it doesn't, it gets scrutinized again.  How useful is it? How beautiful isi it? How much do I love it?

In the end, everytbing in my new home was there deliberately and intentionally. 

Now why, almost a year later, am I in this re-organization frenzy?

Part of it, is that we aren't static human beings.  We don't stay the same.  Our lives don't stay the same.  What worked before might need to be slightly - or majorly - tweaked.

That all makes sense, yes, but there's something more.  It didn't just start with one bit of re-organization; it spread and spread and spread. I think I want my environment, which is so important to me in my new life, to keep up with  me.  I'm constantly evolving and developing, and so my environment has to evolve and develop.  (But it doesn't do that on its own - it needs help - which means effort on my part.)

It started with my closet in my office.  I have a filing cabinet and a crafts cart in there (the closet serves double duty), and I had unfinished quilts stacked up on the top of the filing cabinet, which meant I couldn't use the flat surface for anything like papers or whatever.  Actually, if I think about it, it started before then, when Small Child started scrapbooking, and I unpacked a couple of boxes of my old scrapbooking stuff.  I needed to find places for these things, so in the closet they went.

Back to the quilts.... I wanted to use that hard surface of my filing cabinet, so I needed to move the quilts.  Now, I've done a pretty good job of maximizing the space already, so it's not like I just happened to have empty space lying around.  I cleaned out a drawer in my dresser (by getting rid of some clothes that I knew I wouldn't wear and consolidating contents of other drawers).  Now my quilts had their own space, and I had a usable surface in my closet.  (Now, if I can just get those unfinished quilts done, but that's another story.)

Looking at my closet, I realized it wasn't being used as efficiently as it could, so I asked M to help me make it more efficient (add shelves, whatever) when he was here (it didn't happen, but there's always a next time).

Next up was re-organizing my cabinet above the toilet that held nail polish, medicine, and band-aids.  Nail polish had taken over the place (I do live with two girls), but after my recent surgery and emergency room visit, my medicine section had grown.  And then I got a first-aid kit from M (he is a very practical man), and that needed space.  So, clean out the nail polish, make the girls store their horrid colors in their own bathroom, get rid of pollish that's old, and I now have a more usable medicine/nail polish cabinet.

Now for the current project, which I decided to take on this weekend.

During this last visit of M's, we explored my cocktail books and started experimenting with different cocktails.  While that was fun, it made me look at how my kitchen and dining room are arranged.  Some alcohol here (bigger bottles in the bottom cabinet), smaller bottles here (where they'll fit), glasses here, there, and everywhere.

I decided I could clean out one cabinet (it's always cabinets, isn't it?) in the buffet that currently stores vases.  I mean, really.... how many vases does one need at one time?  I'm thinking I don't need 17 all at once.  I'll take them out of the cabinet, move them to an unused shelf in the girls' linen closet, move the taller liquor bottles in there.  Then, I'll move the beautiful tea pots to the shelf down below (so they can still be seen), and put the various glasses on that shelf.

While I was planning all this, I had an idea for the food shelves that have never been perfect.  I have all my spices jammed into a cabinet, and if you try to get anything out, several fall out.  I won't do a spice rack on the counter because of visual clutter, so there they've stayed.  Last night, I had the brilliant idea of a spice rack on the inside of the cabinet door, and you've never seen me get to Target so quick.

So, by the end of today, I hope to have a cool, efficient set-up for cocktails, annoying spices moved, better use of my food cabinet.

Will there be sometihng next in the Reorg saga?  No clue.  But I do know that it's not just making my space more efficient or making it work better or more useful or whatever.  It's making it more me.

The Year of Hell Part 1 1/2

Just when I thought I could be done with the Year of Hell Part 1.... Much like the actual Voyager episode - things keep getting worse.

Not only did I miss some points that should have been part of the list, but then we've gotten some new ones....

M's brother-in-law, already spiralling down with Parkinson's and paranoia issues, now is in renal failure.  That was Wednesday's news.

And then today's news that my grandmother died.  While it was expected since she had decided two weeks ago to not live, it was still some of the hardest words I've ever heard.  And now the person who was the closest thing I had to a mother is gone.  Forever. Yes, I know she'll live forever in my heart and all that blah blah blah that people say to make the surviving feel better, but she's still gone.

While the Year of Hell Part 2 is still valid (you'll understand when I can bear to post it), the Year of Hell Part 1 (or 1 1/2) is still very much in play.

The Year of Hell Part 1

My beloved adores Star Trek, so some of our conversations turn to Star Trek for important and necessary metaphors. The last few months (more on that in Part 1 below) have been just short of (and sometimes right in line with) horrific. 

Yet, we go on.  We have to; there seems to be no other choice but to go forward in the original direction. (Yes, I realize there *is* a choice, but that's another post for another time.)

In order to go on, we normalize the situation.  We make the bed, brush our teeth, cook dinner, work, go to the grocery store.... Occasionally we might try to do "normal," fun things like write, go shopping, go to the movies, read a book.

And then we think life is fine.... "Hey, I just went to the movies!"

But it's not.  It's the Year of Hell.

Star Trek Voyager had a two-part episode called "The Year of Hell." Because of life in the last few months, M made sure we watched it last time I visited.  While this post doesn't follow the format of the Voyager episodes (sorry, Star Trek fans), it is a great metaphor.

In the episode, the crew of Voyager have to survive - and survive - and survive against seemingly unsurmountable odds (and it doesn't help that time keeps shifting, and they're put in worse situations than before).

Part 1 of my Year of Hell

• So while I could start with truly a year ago (enduring the second year of separation while still living in the same house, trying to sell the house, moving into a new place, adjusting to a new life, helping my children adjust to a new life, new schools for both girls, new relationship), that seems so old and far away that it almost seems not real, or almost tame in comparison. This Year of Hell starts in November with the first blip in my relationship with M where I wasn't sure the "us" would survive.  The "us" did survive, but it took a lot of work and introspection.  And, in reality, it was about a week and a half.  A week and a half of pure hell (no pun intended), and we were committed to working through it - hence, why it was "only" a week and a half.
• As part of that working through it, M visited in December.  His visit ended with a trip to my ophthalmologist to check on my eyes, and I found out I had to have eye surgery - again.  After two previous surgeries, the first of which did not go well, I wasn't super excited about it.  To be more blunt, I had to constantly work to center and ground myself and to stave off depression.
• The day M got home from his trip here, he found out his mother had brain cancer, and she started treatment that day.
• December, with its frontload of holidays and my car's seeming need for big repair every December, my financial situation was not looking good.  I rallied and came up with a solution, but there were a few hours where I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me.
• And since it was December, it was the first Christmas for my girls that wasn't in the house where they had spent the majority of their lives.  Their father and I worked to make Christmas work for all of us, but there were definitely some emotions and constant vigilance to make that work.
• Oh, and I slid on the icy roads, and had to make a split-second decision about whether to hit a wooden fence or a brick pillar.  I went for the fence. (And now my poor car looks beat up.)
• By the end of the month, M's mother started to deteriorate, healthwise and mentally. 
• In January, I was planning my visit to M for two weeks, the longest we'd ever been together.  Two days after I got there, we admitted M's mother to the hospital, and we visited every day.  Her health and well-being deteriorated even more rapidly, and she died the day I was originally planning to leave.  I extended my trip, and did what I could to be of help, emotionally and in practical matters.
• Four days after I returned home, M came for my surgery.  My thinking was that I'd undergo surgery, and the weekend after, we'd be partying heartily.  (My experience after the second eye surgery was very positive - I was up and painting the bathroom within days - woo hoo!)  The immediate aftermath of the surgery was miserable - the worst nausea I've ever experienced and the anti-nausea pain medication brought it down from a 10 to 4 of nausea, not fun to be in a car driving home when nauseous.  Hence, recovery in the actual hospital took a very long time.
• And then after surgery - not only was there no partying, but there was extreme exhaustion, pain, and double vision.  The "few days" of double vision turned into weeks, and as of today, I still have double vision if I'm tired.
• Because of Dr. Guyton's original "it should only be a few days" and the worsening of the double vision after four days, I had the worst night of my life.  Extreme panic and anxiety that had me on the kitchen floor sobbing, really not sure if I was going to make it to the next day.
• I did make it to the next day, which brought muscle spasms that landed me in the ER.  M extended his visit as I was obviously in no shape to run my life. 
• Work suffered.  My productivity and energy level were well below normal.  I had to cancel (actually, I was forbidden by my client) attending my client's retreat where I would manage and help out.
• March - My annual papsmear came back abnormal, and instead of doing another one, my doctor did a culposcopy, which led him to do two biopsies.  And he wouldn't get the results for 10-14 days.  (Hello, this IS 2011.  What the heck could possibly take so long?) Let's add another wrinkle to the mix.
• My grandmother, always very healthy and vibrant, went into the hospital and had four surgeries in about eight days.  One to fix an aortic abdominal aneurism, and the other three to fix a bowel obstruction.  The surgeon removed parts of her small intestine during two of the surgeries, and the last surgery was to make sure all was well before they closed her up.
• Since then, in the last almost-two weeks, my grandmother, feeling like her life won't be what it once was, has decided she doesn't want to live. So, she's in hospice, refusing medical intervention, and waiting to die.
• During all this, M's brother-in-law suffers from Parkinson's, and his health has worsened considerably.  (What is it with all the health issues?) Along with physical deterioration, his mental facilities are going, and paranoia and dementia have ramped up.  M and his family have been providing care giving themselves, and they finally placed him in a managed care facility.  However, he's acted out, and he had to be admitted to the hospital for psych evaluation.  And it's not pleasant.

On a daily basis, I've had some of these items affecting me here and right now or, at the very least, in the background.  And it's not over.  My grandmother is still hanging on (which is making her mad), and the situation with M's brother-in-law isn't resolved yet.

Part 2 to come.

Life Map or Soul Map

In Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance (January 28), she challenges us to create an illustrated discovery journal. Several years ago, I actually bought the Simple Abundance Discovery Journal notebook.

Nope. Didn't do it.

Then, I read Cheryl Richardson's Take Time For Your Life. In Chapter 5, she talks about creating a treasure map - a visualization of those things that really matter.

Didn't do that either.

In 2004, Anastacia talked about how every year she creates a life map on big posterboard. This life map is a collection of images, drawings, stickers, anything that reflects where you are, who you are, where you want to go, your dreams, etc.

In 2004 I created my first life map. 

For whatever reason (and it's too long ago for me to remember why), I didn't do a life map in 2005.  But in 2006, another one was born.

2007 was another non life map year, and it looked as if I was destined to create a life map in all the even years.  Hence, the 2008 life map.


So there was one in 2010, right?

Uh, no.

All throughout last year, I thought about how it would be the perfect year to do a life map: lots of changes, ready for a new year, new life, new Dawn. 

But it never happened.

Then, one night a couple of weeks ago, I just did one.  I had been collecting magazine pages, pictures, old calendars, words, and the like for years.  And it all just came together.

Actually, that's how my life maps usually work.  It's very much a feeling, intuitive process.  I find the images and words that speak to me, and I start placing them on the foam core board.  Within what seems like mere minutes, the life map has truly come to life.

This year's was a little different.  As always, every image and word has special meaning.  But this life map really spoke (and speaks) to my soul.  It definitely represents the changes and the phoenix rising moments (note the huge image in the upper left) in the last year.  There's hope and love and gratitude and dreams and yearning and creation.

It's a map to my soul.

I Am Not the Same Person I Was Yesterday

The last year - and more - have been so life-changing, I can't always catch my breath.  As I was journaling about this over the weekend, I wrote something off the cuff:

Who I've been can't always catch up with who I'm becoming.

And that keeps coming up for me as a more-than-true statement; it's a core statement, down to the very essence of my being.

Maybe we never catch up to who we're becoming.  And maybe other times that distance isn't quite as great as others.

As I was looking for more than just a statement for this blog post, I thought of one of the very first cross-stitch patterns I completed.  (And that has its own bittersweetness - since my recent eye surgery, there's been absolutely no needlework or sewing... and that's driving me a bit nuts.)

 

Improvisation and Dams

Last night the girls and I went to a Louis Landon concert put on by their piano teacher.  What struck me most (after his talking about how his goal is to always BE in the moment) was how he improvises just about everything.  One of his albums was completely improvised; he walked into the recording studio in Seattle with nothing composed or written.  He improvised everything on the spot over three days.

I thought about that as I was listening to the music at the concert.  I don't feel I could improvise a word (other than ramblings from my head) to save my life.  It's as if there's a dam holding back a flood of words that I know is there--somewhere.

I really am trying to be kind to myself.  It's the Year of Writing From My Soul, and I can't write.  I know that the last three weeks have been.... (see, this is where words fail me).  Watching the mother of a loved one die over a period of two weeks and then dealing with everything that comes after: real world stuff that has to be handled, grief, waves of emotion, calls and emails that don't seem to stop, walking in the house and expecting to see her...

Maybe the dam will break - and that's a scary thought in and of itself.  Who knows what's going to come out.  I do know that as I listened to Landon's "Siren" last night, it felt like that song might be the dam breaker....

I bought the CD, and I plan on listening to "Siren." I don't know what will come of it.  Maybe Phoenix will start to come alive--in words that don't seem to come for her either. 

What Makes Dawn Happy

I know what makes me happy: deep connection, beauty, creativity.  Probably many other things, but those three top the list.

Last week, I held my first Just Write! workshop, and I, along with the other participants, spent an afternoon writing.  It felt like a luxury: focused, structured time where I was supposed to be writing.  It wasn't just an afterthought or something to fit in.  Writing was my task and action item.

Besides the fact that I wrote a lot (my monthy newsletter, writing prompts for my weekly writing prompt program, several blog posts, and emails to schedule interviews for my latest story), that momentum carried over for several days (and more, let's hope).

Since then, I've started a new book (based on my experience with the Year of Writing From My Soul), wrote several more blog posts, and collaborated on ideas for new classes.

According to Newton, a body remains in a state of rest or uniform motion unless it is acted upon by an external unbalanced force. My creativity is that body, and  I need to make sure that there are no external, unbalanced forces acting upon it to bring it to a state of rest.

What that means, in part, is that I really do need to commit to writing every day, not just because it's a to-do item, but because it's necessary to my happiness.

My Path, Not Yours

Back in December, Anastacia asked me to write a guest post for Virtual Moxie, which I was happy to do, and it helped me explore what is now my theme for 2011.  (I'm now bucking Dawn tradition and coming up with my theme for the year at the beginning as opposed to the end.)

You can find the original post here (as well as other great posts).

What I found, from writing this post, that I have a theme for 2011. Only I can walk the path I've chosen, and the minute I hear, "You should _____" or "You need to _____" or "Do _____," I just need to keep in mind that it's my path, not theirs, and only I can walk it.

A nicer way to put it might be "My Path," but there are instances where the "Not Yours" is necessary.  Instead of my getting annoyed or irritated by the "helpful" statements and declarations, I just need to remember that other people's insistence on how I should do things is more about them. 

May we all walk our paths - with ease, joy, delight.

Saying Good-bye to 2010

I saw someone write on Facebook yesterday about documenting 2010 and celebrating successes and accomplishments.  It's one of those duh moments, and I'm excited that it's actually still 2010 for me to be writing it.

2010 has been quite a year.  Probably one of the most life-changing and monumental years ever. 

• I have made - and followed through with - some difficult choices.  While in many cases it would have been easier to not make the choices, to stay with status quo, I chose to not take the easy path.  I chose the road less travelled. Really, the only road I could choose.
• I've let go of relationships that no longer serve me or actually cause me harm.  Some of these decisons were years in the making, and I only now had the courage to do what needed to be done. Or maybe it's just that the alternative was no longer bearable.
• I've built very strong boundaries.  In some cases, these boundaries were to protect me, but yet the building and the standing strong behind could have had some potential fall-out.  I chose to keep my boundaries strong and to keep me safe.
• I'm letting go of some of the uber responsbility that has insinuated itself so deeply into my core.  I cannot be responsible for other people's happiness.  I cannot be responsible for other people's choices.  I cannot be responsible for other people's paths.  In the words of Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice, "I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me."
• I've acknowledged my deepest desires and my deepest happiness, and I'm pursing them.  As one example, I've finished three short stories, and submitted one to several short story contests.
• I can take care of myself.  From managing car troubles to signing a lease on my first apartment, I am independent and powerful.
• I don't let anyone walk over me.
• I have the hard conversations.
• I follow my instincts, whether it's me gushing (no filter between my heart and my mouth) when meeting a new friend of the heart or standing up for my financial situation.
• While I've had some crises over the last year, I'm proud of the way I've handled them.  I don't wallow for long, and I always try to focus on the solution instead of obsessing about the problem.
• I've let go of things - thoughts, people, material things - that no longer have a positive place in my life. 
• I've learned to trust my process.  I always get to the other side - in my own time and in my own way.
• I've created an amazing living environment that is sacred, warm, inviting, and full of loving energy.  And I'm fortunate to share it with my amazing daughters.
• I've become closer to my girls, maybe because of the events of this last year.  We've had some deep, rich, engaging conversations, and they constantly surprise me with their maturity and understanding.

Theme of the Year

Usually (at least past years), by the time the end of December rolls around, I have a good sense of what the past year's theme is.  One overriding concept that can sum up the entire year.

This year is no different.  While so much has happened in 2010 and about a million dead baby phoenixes littering the ground, the one thing I can say about the year is that it's been all about change. From my residence, to new relationships, to evolutions in other (almost all) relationships, to new business opportunities, to new writings, to new ways of being....

Everything feels different. And those things that aren't different per se are deeper, more intense, more ... something.  They've changed in their own way.

Maybe that's not so unusual.  Isn't change one of the great constants? :) We're not static beings. Our lives change on a daily basis.  But for me, it feels change stepped into the driver seat, punched it, and said, "Whee!!!! Let's go!"

So Why Did It Take So Long?

If the Year of Writing From My Soul started in October, why has it taken so long for me to write about it, or even write much on my blog?

Mostly, it's because a lot of my writing has been either on my short stories or in my journal.  And with all the changes going on in my life over the last couple of years, a lot of that feels too raw to share publicly. 

Just the other day, I went through my blog looking for a particular post I'd written a couple of years ago, and I realized how much I used to write, and write about personal stuff.  But for whatever reason, the personal stuff now feels VERY personal.

And I think I got out of the habit. So since through to next October is the Year of Writing From My Soul, I'll be writing more.  I have no idea what that will look like. Just that I will be writing.

Because my soul calls out for it.

A Year of Writing From My Soul

This started back in October on my birthday during my daily call with Laura West.  She was piloting her new Business Goddess card deck, and she did a reading with me.  She pulled Inspired Action, and what immediately came up for me was that I want all my actions to be inspired.  Even more, I want to write. I want my actions and my words to come from my soul, to be inspired.

I've been saying for so long that I want to commit to writing.  That I want to write.  That it's important.

So I committed to the Year of Writing from My Soul.  I want to let my soul know that I hear her, that I hear how much she wants to write.

The idea is that I write every day. Not because I have to.  Because my soul cries out for it.  Not to make it another to-do to cross off the list.  To let my soul have a voice, to be heard.

Of course, my brain went into overdrive. I could create a blog JUST for the Year of Writing From My Soul! Each day, I'd have an entry:  A Year of Writing From My Soul - Day 1, and so on.

Wisely, I decided not to get caught up in maximizing the idea and to just.... write.

Have I written every day? No, but I have documented each day and whether I've written or not.  And if not, why not.  At least, I'm acknowledging how important writing is each and every day.  And, more often than not, I AM writing.

Welcome to the Year of Writing From My Soul.

I Get Everything I Want

A few years ago, I was accused (I actually don't remember by whom): "You always get what you want."

As if that's a bad thing. As if I don't deserve to get what I want.

I feel like Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice (I'm quoting from memory, so forgive me for errors): "I will always act in the interests of my greatest happiness."

How many people do that? How many peole even know what would get them their greatest happiness? In my opinion, what gives me my greatest happiness has nothing to do with material things.  It's deeper and greater than that.

So, it made me look at what is my greatest happiness.  What do I want? (Especially if I always get it.)

• Deep connection
• Aliveness
• To write
• For my children to be the best humans they can be. Most importantly, for them to be happy.
• Health and well-being for those whom I love. (Not that I don't care about the whole world; I just so cannot be mother of the universe.  I already have enough problems with uber-responsibility.)
• To not worry; to live comfortably.  In other words, I don't need a Lexus to make me happy. I just want a reliable car that I don't have to worry will leave me stranded.
• To be centered and grounded.
• To feel (not usually a problem for me!)
• Freedom
• Flexibility
• Soul-stirring moments
• To be who I truly am

What's interesting is that I have pretty much all of these. AND I didn't always - even when I was accused of always getting what I wanted.  I've made some tough life choices in the last couple of years that have gotten me here.  It's not been easy.   I've worked to be happy.

I've worked to get everything I want.

Check-in

So many things floating around in my head.  So many directions I could go. Energy.  Focus. Possibilities. So much to process.  So much evolving.  Development.  Growth. Change. Breadth. Depth. Connection. Intensity. Shift.

This is where I am - messy, chaotic, joyful, ecstatic.

Big Step

Last Friday I did something I've never done before.

I entered my latest story in a short story competition, two competitions, as a matter of fact. 

It feels significant, not because I'm hoping to win (although I would not shake a stick at a prize and the prize money), but because it's a huge stepping out. 

It's a willingness to let my light shine. To be vulnerable and let someone else (other than very close friends and family) see my writing.  To possibly get rejected.  To maybe get some criticism.  To never hear a word and just go along with my life.

The words are out there.

Letters to a Pig

As life has changed for me and the girls, I find it interesting how each of us deal with the major life changes we're undergoing.

Anastasia is a funny little thing.  Kathryn and I can be having a serious conversation about how we can make the weekly transition from their father's house to mine, and Anastasia is crying over the fact that the pig from last year's agricultural fair probably won't be at this year's fair because it's been slaughtered for bacon.

She's also the same, big-hearted girl who created a photo album for the two little girls who were moving into our old house.  She filled it with description of things they could do in the house, the yard, and the creek, as well as great hide-and-go-seek spots.  

Once we knew we were going to sell the house and move, Anastasia figured out what toys, clothes, and stuffed animals would go to my house and her dad's house.  She split up her stuffed animals and had some criteria for which stuffed animals would go to which place.

So, how does she deal with living in two houses and having her parents be separated? Stuffed animals at one house write letters to the other stuffed animals at the other house.

Dear Boy Lion,

I've missed you so much!  You know, town houses are really super-dooper cool!  You can always tell if the pool's crowded, and it's near the road.  How are you? I just can't wait to hear all about the town house.

Love,
Orange Lion

P.S. How's my handwriting?

Dear Soft Pig,

We miss you so much! I hope that you and Charles are having a great time. I think it's great that you're not so shy anymore.

Love,
Wilbur

Dear Soft Pig,

I miss you, too!  How's living in an apartment? Are twin beds really bad?

From,
Small Fat Pig

Dear Princess,

Hi! How are you? You know that being really super big alone is sad? I hope you're making friends.  How's Bilbo? I hope you two are just dandy.  Giraffe has been really nice and understanding, but it's just not the same without you.

Your Best Buddy,
Big Dog

Dear Pinky,

How have you been? Life here is pretty cool, but it's just too different. I miss the old house. How about you?

Love,
New Pig

Dear Pinky,

Just wanted to say hey to my second best bud! I've missed you a LOT. I'm not good with change.

Love,
Snorky

Dear Ducks from Cows,

How are you guys? I hope you guys have a fantastic honeymoon! We are going to have a dinner in blacklight! I think, since you have a balcony, you should have a dinner beneath the stars. By the way, how is little jr.?

Dear Boa,

Hi! I know we are not best friends yet, but I think it would be special for you to get a letter especially to you. Did I use the word right? Oh, well. Do you get to sleep with Anastasia? We just got out of the box, so we're waiting til tonight.

Bye!
Snake

31 Days of Clearning - Days 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5

This month's game is clearning:  cleaning, clearing, and learning, brought to you by Stacy.

I just got a new computer (yay!!!), and it involves hours and hours and hours of getting the drivers and software installed as well as transferring all the settings. 

Hours and hours.

But one of the things I love (other than the Corvette-like speed) is the opportunity to clear out old files, get rid of Outlook profiles I no longer use, and trim down the dozens of websites I've once upon a time accessed.

So I'm not only working faster, but I've removed a lot of clutter.  I don't even have a microsecond of looking at all the Outlook profiles I have to scroll through before I get to the one I want.  The only thing I see is what I use currently.

What have I learned? (Because Stacy insists that learning is part of clearning.)  I've learned - or had reinforced - that clutter bothers me.  I want things pared down to only what I use and need.  Anything else takes up even a slight bit of attention.  And it's not necessary.

2 License Plates for the Price of 1

I haven't done license plates in a while because, well, there just haven't been any really good ones worth taking the time to blog about.

But that all changed Sunday. (And thanks to running partner Dawn B for pointing out the connection!)

The first license plate:

JO KNEE

Nothing spectacular, right?

The car in front of JO KNEE has the following license plate:

YANKLE

Dawn B had to say it out loud for me: "Jo knee and y'ankle..." We guess that they must be orthopaedists.

Taken together, those  might be the best license plates ever!

28 Days of Love - 2/20/10

I've had some amazing connections this week.  From a two-hour creative planning session with one of my three favorite clients, to girlfriend calls that last into the night, to a work/play date with my BFF, to clients who really look out for my well-being, to conversations that make me smile....

To quote one of my favorite movies:  "Love actually IS all around."

28 Days of Love - 2/15/10

I haven't played 28 Days of Love until now for a couple of reasons.  There's the old standby that I've been very busy. (A tweaked time management system and a new computer should help with that!)

It's not that I don't love or that I don't have plenty of stuff to talk about with regard to love.  I compose posts in my head all the time, and I'm still looking for that technology to be invented that takes it out of my head and into my blog.

So why today to do my first love post?  Wouldn't yesterday have made more sense?  For some people, perhaps.  I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day.  One day a year when your significant other professes affection? What about the other 364 days of the year? I'd prefer daily Valentine's Day.

I pick today to express my gratitude for all the love I have to give and to receive in my  life.  I love with all my heart, and while that can get me hurt sometimes, I'm still glad I love that way.  And I'm lucky enough that I have people in my life who love me in return.

I've said before that connection and intensity are absolutely crucial for me; they're nourishment for my soul.  When those are there, it's indicative of the deepest kind of love that there is - for me.

May you have much love in your life.

31 Days of Self-care - 1/13/10

Sometimes we just don't give ourselves credit.  I can beat myself up and up and up over all sorts of things, and lately the beating is around how much I'm NOT writing.  Of course, I wrote three times last week, including one long outing on Thursday, and I've already written twice this week - and it's only Wednesday.  :)

I track the number of words I write at each sitting.  I don't have a word goal for each session. Heck, just writing is goal enough.  When I looked at today's number, I realized I've doubled the word content of the story I'm working on in the last two months, AND I know how the story will end.  And I'm very close.

Just looking at the big picture and acknowledging how far I've come makes beating myself up look pretty stupid in retrospect (as it probably always should - but "should" is a topic for another self-care day".

31 Days of Self-care - 1/7/10

Toni Jo and I were talking about the whole 31 Days of Self-care project, and it led us quickly to lotions.  One might not think that putting on lotion is an act of self-care, but it really can be.  Especially if you're stupid like me and don't want to use lotions because - get this - if I use a cool lotion, then It. Runs. Out.

Toni Jo reminded me that I could - gasp - buy more. 

What a concept.

So today's act of self-care was actually USING the cool Mary Kay Satin Hands three-step lotion system.  And, hey, I haven't even run out.

31 Days of Self-care - 1/6/10

Funny enough, I think just having these 31 days of self-care is self-care in and of itself for me.  Sounds stupid, I know, but that's how it seems to be working.

I find myself thinking all throughout the day, "What action of self-care am I taking?" "What will I write about for 31 Days of Self-care?" "What can I do to take care of myself?"

Most of the time, it feels like little stuff: stopping work at 2:20 for a break before I go get Small Child from school.  Working out.  Writing in my journal.  Planning today so that I don't keep stressing over how much work I have to get done and how there's no time to do it.

What does today and self-care hold? No clue.  :) One thing that is on the list is to watch the very first episode of True Blood (I got the entire first season on DVD for my birthday in October).  So, at 5:00 p.m. eastern, that's where I should be - watching Sookie and vampires and shapeshifters.

31 Days of Self-care - 1/3/10

I'm glad I'm playing along a little earlier than I have for 30 Days of Thanks and 31 Days of Wishes.

:)

I don't see any problem playing the self-care game.  I know I'm at my best - doing good work, being a good mom, being a good human - when I take good care of myself.

This is already a daily thing for me, but that by no means implies that I have self-care mastered.  No, it just means that it's always on my mind. 

As I took several days off around the holidays, I thought about how I'd want my days - normal work days (as if such a thing exists) - to go.  I already get up at 6:00 in order to be ready for breakfast with my daughters before they go to school.  I'm committing to using several of those days a week to write - which is a big part of self-care for me.

My next plan is, when possible, to stop working at 2:00 p.m., and I'll have an hour before I have to pick up Small Child from school.  During that hour, I'll either work out, write (if I haven't that morning, or maybe even if I have), or just veg.  If I need to come back to work after picking up Small Child, I can.  (See, I have to convince myself that it's okay to take time away from work - hence why self-care is something I think about - and try to practice - every day.)

So self-care starts with writing in the morning before breakfast, taking a break from work at 2:00 p.m., and following my energy. (More on that in an upcoming self-care post.)

31 Days of Wishes - 12/22/09

After my last post on the 31 Days of Wishes, I didn't think I'd have any more wishes.  :) 

But then I got an email from someone, and it was obvious that this person, someone who I thought really knew me, didn't get me at all.

I realize we all have our own stuff we carry around, and we see the world through our unique filters. I have a Dawn Filter, you have a You Filter, and so on.  While I can't completely divorce myself from my Dawn Filter, I do try to look at others, understanding that who they are, what they do, what they bring to the world... has nothing to do with me.

But still.... my greatest desire, my greatest WISH then, is to see and be seen.  Stacy and I have talked about this over and over, and it's probably not a coincidence that she just wrote about this very thing in her own blog.

I want to be seen for who I am. Understood.  Seen all the way to my core.  And I try to do the same for others.  I'm honored when I'm let in to see the deep, authentic core of a person.

Right now, the number of people who really see - who really get who Dawn is - can be counted on one hand, and that's after removing a couple of fingers.  I do understand that I can't have the type of relationship I want - intense and connected - with everyone in my life.  It's just not possible. 

What I do wish for, though, is that those people who I let in - that they see me, and allow me to see them.

And I wish for that for everyone.

31 Days of Wishes - 12/18/09

I've found it very interesting that I'm not drawn to playing 31 Days of Wishes nearly as much as I was to 30 Days of Thanks.  I wished one wish, to sell my house. Stacy posted this comment, "I wonder if you also do some wishes for others if the Universe is more likely to grant yours faster?"

That stopped me almost dead-cold.  

Since then, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the idea of wishes, and here's what came up for me.  (And this is true for me, but I by no means think it's true for all.)

I believe everyone is responsible for his/her life.  If there's something I want or desire, then it's up to me to get it.   

And this led to that most people wish for really big things, things that you can't really get on your own.  For me, this has been reinforced by movies, stories, fairy tales.  Jack gets three wishes.  The genie grants three wishes.  You close your eyes, throw the coin in the fountain, and wish.  Because it's these magical creatures/energy granting our wishes (fairy, genie, a wishing well), we usually wish for big things.

Think about some of the things we might wish for.  World peace.  Now, is that something I, all by myself, can bring about?  No.  I can certainly do my part, but it's one of those big wishes.  Wish for no one to go hungry.  Again, I can't do that by myself, but I can do my part.

Finally, that led to this....

What I truly wish for is that everyone has all the help he or she needs to bring about his/her wishes.

31 Days of Wishes - I'll Play

Stacy got so inspired by co-launching 30 Days of Thanks that she's decided to create a theme for each month.  December's theme is, appropriately, 31 Days of Wishes.  Wishes is similar to Thanks - each day (optimally, although you can see I haven't played that way), you write - in a blog post, Facebook status, Tweet, or whatever - what you wish for.  And your wishes can be anything... gift-related, wishes and hopes for the world, dreams of the future... the sky is the limit.

As I've been thinking of this all four days of December (and, yes, I'm only now posting on December 4), my wish is the same each day:  to sell my house - soon!  Specifically, I wish to get a solid offer on this house this month of December which will lead to a closing in January of 2010.

Check out 31 Days of Wishes and may all your wishes come true.

License Plate - Only One

Yes, it's only one, but it's a great one.  :)  (Thanks to Laura for sending it to me.)

Let's set the scene...

Red corvette

Driven by a woman

License plate says.... wait for it...

F THE X

Veritas Liberabit Vos

It's my alma mater's motto:  "Veritas Liberabit Vos" - the truth shall make you free. 

That keeps coming up for me as my own personal motto, as well as the slightly different form of "I speak my truth."

As a result, lately, I've been called a bitch, grumpy, or just very direct.  I don't believe in wasting time, prevaricating, or walking on eggshells around others.  Why do it? 

I'm not overly rude, belligerent, or aggressive.  I just see no point in not speaking the truth.

Truth has its advantages, too.  My newest coaching client who is working on a paranormal romance novel, begged me to tell her the truth.  "Just tell me now if you think I suck, and I'll stop this nonsense and go no further."

I speak my truth - and it shall make me free.

30 Days of Thanks - 11/24/09

Just because I haven't posted in a few days doesn't mean I haven't been thankful.  :)  I've been slightly unplugged (more about that below), and while it's very easy to compose hundreds of posts in my head, I haven't found the automatic method of transferring them from my head to screen. 

• Even though it has passed, I'm still very grateful for taking the time off and doing something that's been on my wanna list for years - visiting the National Gallery of Art and spending as much time as I wanted there.
• While my car got towed during my engaging in said wanna above, I didn't let it ruin my day.  I'm very grateful for no drama. 
• I love my girlfriends, and I am eternally thankful for them.  And I'm even more grateful that I got to spend an entire weekend with them. 
• I'm grateful that it's a holiday week - good food, spending it with great friends and family, and then decorating for Christmas.  Yay!!!
• I'm grateful for my clients, who are also my friends.  I'm a very lucky girl.
• I'm thankful for writing.

May you be thankful this day and all others.

30 Days of Thanks - 11/13/09

I don't know that if it's I'm boring, or that I don't take things for granted.  Whatever the reason, you will see repeated items on my thankful list.

• Chico's. It's really a great store.  When I had shopped there a few weeks ago, I had picked up three shirts in one style (or what I thought was one style) - three different colors.  (Isn't that what personal shoppers tell you to do? Find a style you love and then buy it in different colors?) Anyway, the purple shirt was actually a different style, and I didn't like the cut that much. I returned it to Chico's today with no problems.  But I didn't walk out of there empty-handed.  I have the most gorgeous, sparkly bracelet that appeals to my metal side (for my fashion feng shui experts).
• Rainy, chilly days that go perfectly with eggnog spiced latte from Starbucks.
• The fact that real eggnog is FINALLY in the grocery stores.
• Bloody Mary-flavored Terra chips and Peace brand vanilla almond cereal - both from Whole Foods.
• Mind melding with my clients
• Creating a presentation with Stacy. I love how we work together.  :)
• Working on my short story - Big yays!!!!
• Naps
• It's a weekend!!!