On the Fringe

I've been giving a lot of thought to Laurell's idea about being a fringe animal.  I've always felt on the fringe and as if I didn't quite belong.  And even though I have friends who accept me for who I am in all my fringeness, I still don't feel that I belong to any one group.  And while I get that that may not be possible (finding one group where I feel completely at home), it's something that I've been dealing with - this sadness at not feeling a part of the herd.

I thought about that more.  It's not necessarily that I want that sameness of being in a herd of like animals.  It's that I want to feel protected, loved, and safe.  And I imagine that that is what one gets when one is part of a herd.  It goes back to the 5% thing Stacy and I talked about.  Here's what I commented on her blog about what my 5% is:

My sad 5% life thing is that I never had a mother who truly embodies what a mother should be: caring, loving, selfless, and willing to put her needs aside for the very real survival needs of her children.

I'll never have that, and there are times when it crops up so badly that all I want is a mom to hold me, stroke my hair, tell me it will all be okay, and that she'll take care of me.

I've never had it, and I never will have it. While there are people who, briefly, fulfill that mom role for me, it's never absolute and complete.

It's 5% because I have a really great life. I have an incredible husband who loves and respects me, the two best daughters on the face of the earth, a few intense friends, a company I love, a house that provides comfort and sanctuary... the list goes on.

I just don't have the mother I want.

And so we're back to the fringe.  That need to be safe, loved, and protected is with me now.  It's one of my basic needs.  If we were talking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, my personal need pyramid would include "to be safe, loved, and protected" at the very bottom, the most basic, the most core.

Lately, I often feel on the fringe, so that unmet need cries out even more.  I know much of it comes down to my book.  I'm afraid of so many things on so many levels where that book, and writing, are concerned.  And, yet, with all the fringeness and unmet needs, I still feel I'm on the right path.  It's just hard, and lately it hurts.

Comments

[Andrew]

Hi Dawn,

This was certainly a wonderful entry for your best blog post of 2008.

Rest assured, you are not the only one who feels this way, and I think there are many people who experience similar types of sentiments to those which you have expressed in your post.

What you feel is perfectly natural. All of us, us human beings were created with some basic emotional needs, which were inbuilt into every one of us.

These needs are part of our DNA - and something is missing at our core if they are not being met.

These needs include the need for acceptance from others, the need to feel valued, that our lives are important to others and the need to as though we belong.

Personally, as a Christian, I choose to lean on god for such needs, and I feel that whilst it is nice if I can gain the acceptance of those around me, deep down, only our maker has the degree of perfect and unfailing love which my heart so badly needs.

[globalgal]

I can relate. So much so that my blog is called "On the Fringe." I grew up living in many different places and as an adult I move frequently. I enjoy being on the outside looking in, because that is where I'm most comfortable.

I clicked on this link on the Confident Writing blog because of the title - not too many people use the phrase on the fringe! :)