It's Tuesday, and this is the second Tuesday in a row that I've felt off, or, as Stacy likes to say, half a bubble off. It's not as if I'm fighting with my husband or I've had someone driving on the highway give me the finger. There's no good reason that I can see, at first.
The best way I can describe what I'm feeling is that I'm off center. I don't feel quite right. I'm not bursting and bubbly and perky. I'm low energy, and I sense that I'm irritable. Interestingly, when I shared with my daughters that I was feeling grumpy (the best word I could come up with at the time that they would understand), Kathryn said, "Really? I haven't noticed anything." Usually if I'm feeling "grumpy," I'll snap or sound bitchy. I'm not. No one is frustrating me, and I'm not feeling impatient. It's just a ... not right feeling. The worst part is just waiting to go to bed so that when I wake up tomorrow, it will be a better day.
This feeling doesn't happen very often, not even two times in a month, so for it to happen two times in a week makes me sit up and take notice. What is it about Tuesday?
For one, it's my free day. I don't schedule anything (usually) - no appointments or phone calls. I can go (and have gone) the whole day without talking to anyone until my family comes home. In the past, I've watched movies, napped, worked, read, or a combination of the above. Recently, though, I've been setting aside time to write.
This writing is for me. It's the novel I've been needing to write for years. As I'm helping people design a writing life with my programs at Write Well U, I'm taking my own advice and doing all the things I tell other people to do. So, I set aside time on a consistent basis to write. I love it, and I know this is right - the writing and what I'm writing.
It's fiction, and the main character is a ten-year-old girl named Isabel. The trouble is that Isabel's life in isn't a very nice one, and when I write, I'm right there in her terrible world with her.
Today, I went out behind my back yard to the woods and sat beside the creek and wrote there. At one point I looked up and was surprised at where I was. That's how immersed in the story I was.
So I finished for the day, came back home, and now here's that feeling. Not writing the book is not an option. Since it's here to stay, then I need to come up with some strategies to help me get back to center. That's where I am right now, trying to design a ritual that I can do after every writing session. It feels like it needs to be something regular, something that I just do and don't have to think about. Here's what I've come up with and discarded, for the most part:
- Taking a bath - as much of a girly-girl that I am, I'm not always drawn to baths, especially in the summer.
- Massage - while this might be nice, it's not economically feasible to get a massage once a week. And once I increase my writing (soon to twice a week), this really becomes an impractical ritual. (It's something to shoot for financially, though!)
- Reading - I almost feel like I've had few nerves exposed, and air rushing across the exposed nerves is excruciating. I can't take in any more words, no matter how good the book, right after writing.
- Quilting/cross-stitching/photo albums - similar to the above. I don't have anything creative to give today.
- Sitting quietly - this sure sounds nice, but I've tried it. It's not getting me back to center.
- Being with people - especially on a day in which I have little personal contact, maybe some of my offness comes from being isolated. Anyone want to make a road trip on Tuesdays? :) Again, once I increase my writing sessions, this isn't a practical solution.
- Writing - as weird as it sounds, writing this blog post has been the most helpful. I don't know if I'll write each week about how Tuesdays are hard (boy, that could get old), but it could be a way to just talk (write) about my feelings, acknowledge them, and be gentle on myself.
I like the idea of a ritual, something that is sacred and has meaning. I'm just not sure how or what to do. And part of that uncertainty, I know, is from thinking that I'm not doing something right. Or maybe it's from knowing how important this is, the writing as well as incorporating it into my life.
Any ideas to help me design a centering ritual?
(Author's tech note: TypePad was having problems yesterday, and it was hours before I could even get into my account to post this. Finally, I got in, added my post, and checked the blog to make sure it was there. Yep. All was in order. Today, Wednesday, I go to my blog, and this post isn't there. I almost cried. What I was feeling and what I wrote was important, and for it to not be there.... I didn't think I could recreate it. Then, I had a brainstorm. I use Bloglines to monitor the new posts on blogs to which I'm subscribed. If the post showed up, even for a little bit, maybe Bloglines caught it. It did!!!! Yay!!! I was able to copy the text from my Bloglines reader and post it in TypePad again. Now, there is no crying, and my thoughts are here for everyone to see.)
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