Lessons from Bandit

Two weeks ago I wrote about our newest member of the Goldberg family.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out.

We were told that Bandit was crate-trained and house-trained, and neither statement ended up being true. 

For four nights we listened to him bark and whine at night in the crate.  After an hour on the phone with the rescue organization, we moved his crate right next to our bedroom, but it didn't help.  The next night we moved it right next to my bed, and that didn't help either; he barked and whined all night.

Sigh.

We decided to let him sleep him in our room without the crate, but we had to make sure we got up as soon as we heard him stirring.  We still put him in his crate while we were out of the house, but he hated it.  We either had to trick him with juicy bones or actually drag him into the crate.

Why make him go into the crate when he didn't like it? Aaaahh, that leads us to problem #2 - Bandit isn't house-trained.  In the fourteen days we've had him, he's had eleven accidents. 

Sigh.

Now none of this would have been so bad if we had known what to expect, but when we adopted him, we were told he was crate-trained and house-trained.  Along with his age (five years old) and his mild-mannered disposition (that's held true all along at least), we thought his insertion into our lives would be fairly easy.  We expected some work on training him to get used to our invisible fence, and we anticipated some aggression between him and our older dog Maggie.  We didn't expect this.

We were miserable (especially me - the one who is home most of the time), and we agonized over what to do.  We finally made the decision to return Bandit to Friends For Life.  None of us are happy about this decision, but we'll be even more unhappy with the status quo.

Here's what we've learned from Bandit:

• Extreme self-care.  Owning Bandit was causing major stress and misery in our household, and that's not a recipe for a happy, well-adjusted life.  To take care of ourselves, we had to make the decision to return Bandit.
• Everyone's feelings are important.  Of the four of us, Chris was the one who was against returning Bandit, at first.  His feelings were as important as mine, and we made sure we communicated constantly.  We compromised on some things (like Bandit sleeping in our bedroom and holding off on the decision to return him until after my trip to Colorado), and we always talked about our feelings.
• Feelings are feelings, and there is nothing wrong with them.  I was miserable, and Chris kept going, "God, I love him, and I don't know why?"  Chris didn't need to know why.  His feelings were his feelings and were completely okay.  Just as my feelings were my feelings and were completely okay.
• Strength is a virtue.  It was a hard decision to make, and no one ever, ever wants to make this decision.  We felt we had to, and we did it.  That takes extreme strength.
• I have limitations.  Could I have endured all this and eventually it would have gotten better?  Absolutely, but I don't have the resources of time and patience to devote to this dog at this point in my life.  It would have been a concentrated effort, much like having a new baby, and I couldn't have given Bandit what he needed.
• My daughters are going to learn a valuable lesson.  While there are some decisions that you have to follow through, not every decision has to be followed through to its end.  Chris and I are incredibly responsible people, and we had to fight against the urge to keep him just because we adopted him.  The best example of putting up with a bad decision just because you made it is my aunt who married a man knowing on her wedding day that she was making a mistake.  She spent the next twenty years trying to find a way out of the marriage.  Not a good scene.  My girls have now seen that some decisions are mistakes, and they can be rectified.

Every time I see a big dog, I'll think of Bandit, and I'm sorry it didn't work out.  Next time we think about getting a dog, it will be a puppy, and that way our expectations will be in line with reality.

Comments

[Jenny Sheehan]

Dawn, I feel for you! We had a very similar circumstance a few years ago when we adopted a dog; she was supposed to be at least a year old (found out she was maybe 9 months old at the most), she was a chewer/destroyer, she did not get along with other dogs and people, she terrorized my cat and I could not turn my back on her for even one minute. After 2 agonizing weeks we made the tough choice to return her to CARMA (the rescue org). She was obviously not a good match for our family but the foster mom brought me another dog (Emma) who I reluctantly took home and she has been with us ever since (almost 3 years). She had an adjustment period with some separation anxiety but she did not chew, was house trained, loved dogs, cats and other people. We could take her on hikes, and actually leave her home alone without fear of coming home to a destroyed house. The bottom line is that you did the right thing, Bandit was not a good match for your family and had he been what he was promised to be, he would have been. I think the adoption groups are so eager to get the dogs homes that they skip that crucial step - matching the family with the right dog. Take care, Jenny