Facing My Fears, Not Driving, and Just Being - Hard!

So last Wednesday, I had surgery to correct exotropia (lazy eye).  I've had this condition all my life, and I've worn contacts or glasses since the eighth grade to help keep my eyes straight.  I've always known that there was some loss of depth perception, and I've never been able to look through both lenses of a microscope.  These were things that I'd just come to expect.

However, earlier this year, I went to see Dr. David Guyton, one of the best ophthalmologists in the country at the best eye institute (Wilmer Eye Institute at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore).  He told me that not only was my depth perception dropping off, but that if it continued, my eyesight could deteriorate, and deteriorate to a state where it couldn't be corrected.

Surgery was pretty much a foregone conclusion, although I wasn't happy about it.  Even to this day, after the surgery, I don't know if I can say exactly why I was resistant to it.  I think it has something to do with my eyes (my eyes, dammit!) and my fear of going blind.

Now, backpedal a bit to earlier this year when I had my tonsils and adenoids removed (it really has been the Year of the Dawn and of Surgeries).  After several years of getting strep throat three and four times a year, I knew I needed to have my tonsils out.  When the ENT said that my tonsils were unhealthy and needed to come out, I cheered.  Stacy asked me to get a second opinion.  I told her no, not because I was irresponsible or didn't see the value; I just felt way deep down that it was the right thing to do. 

Stacy also told me about a book, Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster.  I didn't have time to get the book before my tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy, but I did some research.  I tried to imagine the surgery and how positive it would be (pretty easy - take out the big ugly tonsils - one of them was huge - and then have a nice happy throat).  I imagined what my life would be after the surgery (no more big ugly tonsil and no more strep throat).  I brought my iPod with me and asked the anesthesiologist if I could listen to it during surgery to help keep me calm (the idea of going under is very frightening for me) and keep everything positive for me, even during that period of time in which I'd be unconscious (but the brain is still able to take in info).

All went well.

Now for this surgery.  It was hard for me to imagine what my life would be like after the surgery.  If I haven't had depth perception for years, then how do I know what it will be like to regain it?  I've been wearing glasses or contacts solid for years; how do I know what it's going to be like to not automatically reach for my glasses in the morning or have to take out my contacts as part of my evening ritual?

So I didn't do a very good job preparing for surgery.  This anesthesiologist only let me listen to my iPod as I was going under the anesthesia.  As soon as I was out, he took away my iPod.  One of my comfort items would be gone.  (Once I found out I wouldn't have my iPod all through the surgery, I asked him to keep everything in the surgery room positive, no negativity.)

Now, days after the surgery, my eyes ache like there's no tomorrow, which is unexpected.  Also, I have extreme double vision, which is expected, but my ophthalmologist told me that I'd have double vision close up for about a day, and then it would just be in the background.  My double vision is pretty extensive, for up close and distance.  (My family  is having fun with me asking, "How many fingers do you see?"  "How many of me do you see?" I thought I was losing it when my husband brought home two iDogs from Target, one as a birthday present for my daughter's friend and one for us.)  Another nasty side effect that I didn't anticipate:  nausea.  I'm prone to motion sickness anyway (no reading in the car, no spinning rides at the fair), but I didn't think about how my vision being off would affect my vertigo. 

I can't read well and not for long (because my eyes seem to ache even more).  T.V. is completely out of the question; all those images moving around really mess with my head.  I can't cross-stitch or quilt, and I can't work on my photo albums.  Playing the piano is a no-no; I can only play with music, and the notes dance across the page like a nightmare.  Writing this blog is tortuous.  I can't figure out if there are two "thats" or if it's just my double vision.  (I apologize in advance for any misspellings.)  My coach has her revenge; all I can do is just BE.

Yuck.

I'm all for BEing, and many of my blog posts have been about that very thing, but part of what I want that BEing to be is to be able to do what I want to do.  (Yeah, yeah, I get the irony.)  I don't get how sitting on the couch day after day is really a good thing.

Now here's the clincher.  With my double vision, and not seeing huge improvements on a day-to-day basis, I can't drive.  School starts today, and with the start of school come all those activities:  piano lessons, gymnastics, doctors' appointments, my own piano lessons.  I don't know that I'm going to be able to drive tomorrow to take Anastasia to gymnastics.  I don't know if I'll be able to drive next week. 

Oh, and one more thing.  My eyes are UGLY!  The outer area of my eye is bloody red, and that will last 1 - 2 weeks, and could be pink for a couple of months.  I've been wearing my sunglasses whenever we go out because I think it's pretty noticeable and disturbing (I look slightly evil with my red eyes).  The upside is that I won't be wearing make-up for a while!

Just to make this all the more perfect, I have a family wedding to go to in a little under 2 weeks, and I'm expected to be in the pictures. 

I'm really just whining now.  "Want some cheese with that whine?" my friend Tammy would ask.

However, this isn't just a place for me to whine.  It's a place for me to try to figure out what's going on in my head (and to exercise my eyes).  One of the things I've figured out (I think) is that one reason I didn't prepare better for this surgery is that I would have had to face some really primal fears about losing my sight.  I can remember being little and playing this game (a very twisted game, I admit) with myself about what sense I'd rather lose:  sight or hearing.  Hearing won out every time. 

I don't know if I would be better off now or before the surgery if I had done that really deep probing, but it's not relevant now.  Even if I didn't probe deeply, I did face my fears, and my eyes should be the better for it.

Comments

[Stacy Brice]

What a perfect time to learn to meditate! :)

Doing that may help you "be" more easily.

:::kiss:::

[Dawn Goldberg]

Yeah, yeah. :-)

Actually, yesterday I came across this website (http://www.real-worldmindfulness.com/index.htm), and Maya talks about how meditation is the first step to mindfulness. I could get into that. :-)

Love,
D

[Olivia Brown]

I empathize with you about your fears for your eyes. As I have struggled with various physical ailments, the one thing I have clung to that has helped me the most is "not worrying". I know that's probably the hardest thing to do...but I know it's given me such great comfort. Trusting. I repeat to myself that the Universe has only good for me, that I am safe, that I will be safe, and that I will see someday how this fits into that frame, even when I don't right then. It has always been true, even when suffering has lasted sometimes a long time.

Blessings to you for your healing. You did a courageous thing with your surgery, protecting the future of your eyesight, which is what I think anyone would do who treasures and deeply enjoys the pleasure eyesight brings. Now, you get to learn to be, and to see how all of these things will work out somehow. As a regular reader of your blog, I look forward to hearing about your journey, and all the things you learn as you go :) Thank you for sharing, Olivia

[Dawn Goldberg]

Olivia,

I appreciate your perspective on trusting the Universe. I DO think that I do trust the Universe (maybe that's just a "mostly" - maybe there's part of me that still has to be in control). Actually, I think that last is it - part of what I'm learning is to give up control. Boy, oh boy, oh boy!!!!

I do have to say that today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow might be better than today. If not, then the next day will be. How's that for giving up control?! :-) Thanks for giving me something to think about, Olivia!